I stand huddled over the sink in my empty house. Some days the emptiness is joyous, as light filters through the vast kitchen windows; some days this house feels dark and lonely as if it’s closing in on me. I meander between these walls as the hours turn into days, which turn into weeks and have now become months. I miss my family. I daydream about wanting a family of my own. Quarantine stripped away our everyday distractions self-medicating us from the very real trauma we carry within the strands of our DNA (epigenetics).
Burned-out neural pathways of our childhoods, sit on repeat and reaction, like drains, circling in survival.
Before I started the work, I was a queen of self-medication. Scrolling through Instagram to avoid emotional intimacy, numbing myself with alcohol and drugs, or even events. Hell, I’m a parentified and achievement motivated workaholic at times. My career gives me social capital which one could argue is its own self-medication.
Last Sunday evening, I found myself alone, asking what is my purpose? When I’m feeling scared or stressed my therapist tells me to follow the trails. Where are the narratives of fear leading me? The parts work we started with had me feeling overwhelmed but by the time my nervous system calmed down the trails kept leading to my values. Am I living a life worthy of the things I value? How do my daily rituals and practices contribute to this work? What does self-actualization look like?
Until we identify what we value, we are unable to defend our boundaries. We might not even know what those boundaries are without first, asking the question, does this align with my values. I don’t know about you but sometimes I get writer’s block and my creativity feels stagnant. Especially when I’ve been working hard all week. Using my brain like a search engine, sometimes I just don't know how to answer certain questions with the clarity I’m seeking.
“How to define my values?” a simple question with a complex answer.
This is where brainstorming comes in handy because it promotes creative thinking which engages critical thinking and in turn hopefully has us challenging our perceptional realities, confirmations bias, etc.
I believe in leading by example, it is a core tenant of who I am, so here are some examples of values I’ve identified for myself:
Personally:
Inclusion & Equity
Growth & Integrity
Health & Gratitude
In Business + Socially:
Inclusion & Equity
Accountability & Integrity
Growth & Leadership
In Relationship:
Inclusion & Equity
Family & Growth
Adventure &Travel
Sex & Sensuality
Art & Creativity
What we know through the polyvagal theory is that when in flight, flight, or freeze. We will make reactionary decisions instead of conscious ones. In order to redirect those neural pathways, I find I need to create habits and make choices that align with my values. These are daily practices, rituals, etc. And like exercise are constant work. Rewiring your brain can be overwhelming but what’s the alternative? Complacency?
I imagine at different times in our lives our values shift, change, and or adapt. Change is good as long as we're growing. We cannot continue to be stagnant in belief systems and socialization that don’t serve us. The work is a journey but I personally refuse to circle the drains of my life.