I stand huddled over the sink in my empty house. Some days the emptiness is joyous, as light filters through the vast kitchen windows; some days this house feels dark and lonely as if it’s closing in on me. I meander between these walls as the hours turn into days, which turn into weeks and have now become months. I miss my family. I daydream about wanting a family of my own. Quarantine stripped the everyday distractions self-medicating us from the very real trauma we carry within the strands of our DNA (epigenetics).

The burned-out neural pathways of our childhoods, sit on repeat and reaction like drains we circle in survival.

Before I started the work, I was a queen of self-medication. Scrolling through Instagram to avoid emotional intimacy, numbing myself with alcohol and drugs, or even events. Hell, I’m a parentified and achievement motivated workaholic at times. My career gives me social capital which one could argue is its own self-medication.

I love the romance of starting and ending my day with locally made skincare products. I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee with locally roasted beans. I love going on dates with my partner to the farmers market to curate every corner of my life. Life is how you curate it.

I started my career in a recession. I graduated UCLA as an Art History major. I knew a career in the arts was not going to be lucrative. I was ok with that. However, the uphill battle of trying to find a job in the arts in LA in 2009 was impossible. Art institutions were cutting budgets while ½ the galleries in the city closed or moved online. I worked three jobs busing between Hollywood and Santa Monica. I spent my days working for an art collector while moonlighting at an accounting company on the westside. At night, I was slinging salads in Culver City at an up and coming restaurant chain called Tender Greens.

We all have stories, histories. Dark pasts that follow us around flowering in the most unexpected corners of coffee shops. It’s wild that one can feel so much disillusionment when literally on paper my life is the best it’s ever been. I disappeared amongst the trees along the Oregon Coast last weekend reeling from feelings. 

I realized that I had managed to trigger a pretty deep abandonment wound. I guess this is why people need strong boundaries, so they don’t get themselves into stupid situations that lead to hurt feelings and confusion. When the felt sense of confusion is in the air, our bodies literally become reactionary, communication dwindles and defenses rise. 

I keep trying to write for others, like some self-imposed show pony. Be entertaining, educate or inspire. These are the three best practices in social media. I know this, I’ve been doing this job for almost a decade. That is what a good marketer would do... But 2020 isn't supposed to be about marketing Lu as a product or executing the right blog strategy. It’s supposed to be about me, Melissa/Lu (depending on how I’m feeling that day). This is the year where I’m leaning into my essence, my power and to truly use my voice.

For starters, I’m never really single. I have spent a lot of time being alone, yet, never truly alone. My friend Sarah pointed this out a couple of years ago… even when I go through years of being single. “Well, you always have someone in the wings,” she said ever so gently. And she’s right. I don’t know if I ever sat in my singledom…until maybe this month. Definitely never sober. The closest I’ve ever been to true independence is traveling. When we travel we are cut off from everyone in our day to day lives ... and even then, I find myself in little romantic trysts. That’s not to say those experiences weren’t real, just that when it comes to romantic relationships I have a lot of work to do. 

I can tell I have some deep-seated insecurities when I’d rather do my January budget, write a Quarterly Sales and Marketing report for work and run three miles in clear avoidance of writing this blog. It was so obvious to me that when my “brand” was wrapped around me (Lu)… I struggled to scale because as soon as I pivoted and started working in tech with a product, that has nothing to do with my personal brand, I excelled quickly and wildly. Isn’t it funny how that works?! Nonetheless, 2020 is about facing those fears, diving forward in vulnerability and little less fucks given to hopefully learn more leadership skills, to create and inspire others to start their own healing journeys. I hope to continue promoting my core values and the belief that through accountability, community, and communication the internet is a tool for great change.

Avoidant/ Anxious attachments are common. Attachment styles go back to childhood. If you have unresolved trauma you will unconsciously try to replay it. Avoidants find intimacy terrifying and avoid. While anxious attachments are constantly over-correcting looking for assurance.

When people have a secure attachment, they typically find other secure attachments and settle in. This one of the contributing reason as to why dating in your 30’s is awful… we are mostly a bunch of avoidant assholes . Attached by Tarcher Perigee is a great place to start if you want to learn more. 

Last summer, I did an audit of the top six people I was spending my time with. It turns out, I was spending most of my time with friends or lovers that weren’t showing-up for themselves in the same ways I wasn’t showing up for myself. I knew if I was going to move forward I would need to end those relationships.  Afterwards, I worried that my life would feel empty. I needed to replace my negative friendships with people who were making better decisions in their lives. Pick your flock, that’s what my foster mom says. We are a reflection of those we surround ourselves with.

Here are three positive changes that cultivate community and helped me build healthier relationships.

Growing-up I didn't have good financial modeling. When my biological family fell apart my parents were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. I have struggled my entire life trying to learn how to manage my money appropriately.

I almost had to drop out of UCLA my junior year because I decided to stay in LA for the summer and take on a multicultural internship with the Getty Museum. When I accepted the position, I didn’t realize that my first paycheck from the Getty wouldn’t arrive until after my apartment deposit for the following semester was due. I simply miscalculated when the funds were going to post.  

There are two camps when it comes to New Year's Resolutions. Either you love making them, or you don't.. I’m here to say, I LOVE resolutions. It doesn’t matter if we start making them at the beginning of the year or on a random Wednesday. Call me a hopeless optimist, but it takes courage to acknowledge a struggle and then try to change it.

I woke up parched. Grabbed some water and look at the clock. It was 3:30 in the morning except this Thursday, I had nowhere to go.  So why on earth was I awake at this ungodly hour? I spend the next few hours trying to sleep before grabbing Dom and heading to the pool deck for early morning water polo practice. I fully intended on crawling back into my comfy bed but driving back home I realized I had a choice. I could choose to be happy or at least complete one of my “happy tasks,” before 6:30am.

I’m a strong believer that when you feel the urge to do something like start your own business, write an article, or travel, you should do it. However, it usually takes me three or four signs from the universe to build up the courage to speak out in my writing.