We all have stories, histories. Dark pasts that follow us around flowering in the most unexpected corners of coffee shops. It’s wild that one can feel so much disillusionment when literally on paper my life is the best it’s ever been. I disappeared amongst the trees along the Oregon Coast last weekend reeling from feelings.
I realized that I had managed to trigger a pretty deep abandonment wound. I guess this is why people need strong boundaries, so they don’t get themselves into stupid situations that lead to hurt feelings and confusion. When the felt sense of confusion is in the air, our bodies literally become reactionary, communication dwindles and defenses rise.
I felt stuck in the in-between. I needed that high you get from breathing air densely concentrated with trees. I strongly attribute some of my mental stability to my indoor atrium. The air is simply cleaner. I haven’t been able to see my therapist as much because it’s expensive but I knew I needed a session. I watch myself as I participated in protesting behavior. What’s protesting behavior? Typically when an attachment disorder is triggered it results in protesting behavior my favorite sulks are refusal to leave my bed, wine, over texting… overthinking, obsessive thoughts, sometimes social stalking. I also noticed that blame and the need to be right reared its gnarly head.
This time was different, I tried to show up with grace. I tried to speak my truth and came to the ultimate conclusion that what I was experiencing was not attraction. I sat over my tea kettle last night and evaluated the puzzle pieces in front of me. This wasn’t attraction, it was literally triggered inner-child trauma manifesting in an attachment wound where chaos felt like attraction.
I’m starting to believe sparks don’t actually exist.
It’s been a year. A year of exploration, a year of decisions, a year of mostly singledom yet sometimes it feels like the beginning. This is the work. I can’t go back to the ignorance of before, to the darkness, the depression, the unhealthy coping mechanisms… a friend asked me the other day how I got through it.
It’s taking time, a lot of self-forgiveness coupled with extreme accountability. I can feel my executive functioning skills are improving but nothing is perfect, it never is. The next step is somatic healing using techniques like brain spotting and meditation to increase my window of tolerance.
The world makes me sad sometimes. Maybe it's a prospective client so underwater with their business or hearing stories of older women fat-shaming 18-year-olds. Humans are evolving and we now have the tools to reach greatness. I truly believe each and every one of us can get there, it takes practice, consistency, and learning. It clearly starts with the body/ the nervous system and ends with critical thinking.