I keep trying to write for others, like some self-imposed show pony. Be entertaining, educate or inspire. These are the three best practices in social media. I know this, I’ve been doing this job for almost a decade. That is what a good marketer would do... But 2020 isn't supposed to be about marketing Lu as a product or executing the right blog strategy. It’s supposed to be about me, Melissa/Lu (depending on how I’m feeling that day). This is the year where I’m leaning into my essence, my power and to truly use my voice.
For starters, I’m never really single. I have spent a lot of time being alone, yet, never truly alone. My friend Sarah pointed this out a couple of years ago… even when I go through years of being single. “Well, you always have someone in the wings,” she said ever so gently. And she’s right. I don’t know if I ever sat in my singledom…until maybe this month. Definitely never sober. The closest I’ve ever been to true independence is traveling. When we travel we are cut off from everyone in our day to day lives ... and even then, I find myself in little romantic trysts. That’s not to say those experiences weren’t real, just that when it comes to romantic relationships I have a lot of work to do.
This December I had a tryst that broke me open. A gentle rejection that followed my sober October… a clear test from the universe to set boundaries and to behave in accordance with my own integrity. It was an invitation to sit in my feelings, and to self soothe my childhood abandonment. It was an invitation to grow, to study (which is why I’m reading this conscious relationship book) and to lean into my creative essence.
I had a choice. To do what old Melissa would do. Get drunk, be passive-aggressive and to “ To light a match burning the bridge down behind me as I walked across it.” Or, to communicate effectively… realize that rejection is typically about the other person and an invitation to look inward.
Rejection is only debilitating when we don’t have confidence in our ability to take care of ourselves. For the first time, possibly in my life, I’m starting to trust myself to care for me.
I committed to dry January so I can navigate all these feelings with adult Melissa in the driver's seat. Sure, my inner child is in the back screaming hanging out with fear who oscillates between disassociation, loneliness and overwhelming anxiety. But they aren’t driving… at least not this month.
Sometimes it feels like a broken record hitting the same grove again and again to no avail… This work is a daily challenge. This is an opportunity to re-train my neuro-pathways. An opportunity to feel safe when making healthy decisions. For far too long my trauma-informed decision making wasn’t serving anyone. It was reactionary, co-dependent and provided a false sense of security and safety.
But how fucking beautiful are life-changing invitations? They are coming at me like rapid-fire attacks right now. So, it looks like I’m going to sit over here in my little corner of the internet and share my ideations. If I do my job right, I’ll remind people that their trauma doesn’t define them, change is possible…. but it takes time, patience and a lot of love.